If Muggles went to Hogwarts
by DeathbladeMeister
Summary: Crissy Ryan is a Muggle. How did she become the most hated person at Hogwarts with just a computer and a totally awesome musical? Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Crissys' POV

Don't ask. I mean, I read the books, saw the movies like everyone else. I didn't go looking for Hogwarts. I was just at my computer, watching shit on YouTube, when I fell through the floor. It was like some sad person somewhere wanted to write a story about AVPM with a Muggle in it, but was too lazy to think of an excuse to actually have them there, so just have them magically summoned for no reason whatsoever.

So anyway, I landed in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"Shit!" I yelled, hauling myself off the floor.

"Who are you?" asked the seriously pissed off ghost. No, I mean seriously. I'd just landed on, and broken, her toilet.

Now please, don't ask about the name. I did not, repeat did not, realise how much deep shit this would get me in later. I thought that if I gave a fake name, I would be able to get out of here quicker- by giving the name of someone who here, might not actually exist.

"Lauren Lopez."

"_Lauren. _You've just broken my toilet! I'm going finding the Professor!"

_Fuck. _I wanted to keep a low profile as long as possible. So when she glided out, I went to the sink, and prayed to Dead Wizard God that now it was after the second book.

"_Ayshaysarsar."_ (A/N- come on, I don't know how to write Parseltounge, and that's the phonetic spelling from the movie.)

So that is how I ended up in the Chamber of Secrets- and it looked nothing like the movie. The snakes and the head were still there. But now it looked more like something out of a CIA flick. I had monitors and computers and speakers everywhere, and lots and lots of colourful buttons. _Heaven._

Somebody had left me a note on one of the monitors.

_Lauren-_ sorry, I don't know your name, you wouldn't tell me- I've left this stuff so you won't be bored in the time to come. Its two weeks before Christmas, second year- and you told me to say the thing that lives here will not come, it's moved somewhere else. Don't know what it means, but hopefully you'll feel safer. Look, at Christmas we're going to find you, like it or not, so just do what you want till then- _Little D_

So that meant I was stuck there for a while. Didn't matter. But if they were going to find me anyway, thought I might have some fun with them when they did.


	2. Chapter 2

Draco's POV

"And this time, I hope it's Granger."

Crabbe stood up suddenly, as if to launch an attack. He was acting very strangely today.

"What's gotten into you? You're acting very…" I stopped. I was going to say odd, but I heard music. Weird music.

_"Draco, Malfoy, you've been a bad boy- sadly only Merlin knows what you've got beneath your clothes…"_

Crabbe snickered, and Goyle punched him on the shoulder. I knew I'd gone bright red, and pushed past them to get to the exit.

"Hey Malfoy, what're you doing?"

"Finding out what that… sound is."

They glanced at each other, nervously.

"Yeah, we have to go to. Medicine for my stomach." grunted Crabbe, and the two left with suspicious haste. I shrugged, and followed after.

_"Follow me up to the Astronomy Tower, afterwards you might need a cold shower…"_

The song was getting more perverse by the minute. I followed it up out of the dungeons, up onto the ground floor.

The song changed, thank god.

_"I'm a Ravenclaw; I like to read books…"_

I reached the girls bathroom, the one with the really annoying ghost in it. The music, and since no- one was around at this hour, I investigated.

The sinks had come apart. The top had flown to the ceiling, and each individual sink had slid away, revealing a large tunnel. The music had stopped now, and all I could hear was arguing voices.

"No, I am not the Heir of Slytherin!"

"Then how are you in the Chamber of Secrets?"

I froze. Was that_ Potter_?

"I could ask the same of you, except I don't have to."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh please, Weasly. The entire point of three chapters of the second book was about the fact that because Harry's a Parseltounge everyone thinks he's the heir, so you try to prove he's not by using Polyjuice Potion so you can prove Malfoy's the Heir, which fails, when it is so _fuckin' obvious_ it's that possessed diary! Seriously, I worked it out when I was six, and I didn't need to face giant man- eating spiders, a petrified best friend, and a sister possessed Voldemort to figure it out!"

I _needed_ to meet this girl. So I jumped in. I landed on a huge pile of rat bones. Gross.

"Basilisk! _Malfoy, you little shit! _If I die_, _I am going to fucking kill you, ninja style!"

"Seriously lady, you need to cut down on the swearing."

"Go and find a soul, Weasly."

Even covered in slime and rat corpses, I had to laugh at that. This chick was insulting Weasly, and even though she'd just threatened to kill me beyond the grave, I respected her.

"Who is it?"

God, Potter is so thick sometimes. There is something like twenty or so students left a Hogwarts, and only one with enough balls to follow someone into the Chamber.

"Who'd you think, Potter?"

He emerged from the giant snake skin. He was wearing enormous Slytherin robes, as was Weasly, which I raised an eyebrow at, but I was more interested in the girl. She was wearing skinny black jeans and blue Vans. She was thin, almost scrawny, and her green V- neck showed off a decent part of cleavage. Her hair was bottle- blonde, cropped short with a fringe, and she had a red bandanna to keep hair out of her storm- grey eyes.

She must have caught me staring, and sarcastically commented. "Don't even think about it, ferret. I'm not staying, and I'm not interested."

I was taken aback. No-one says no to Draco Malfoy, and she'd just insulted me.

"What do you mean, ferret?"

She smirked and rolled her eyes. "You'll find out, Draco, you'll find out soon enough. Now can we get out of here?"


	3. Chapter 3

Crissys' POV

Don't ask. I mean it, don't. Don't ask how we got out of the Chamber. All I'm saying is that involved my butt, Draco's face, a large rock, Weaslys' face, and a lot of swearing. We just got out. End of.

Granger had already gone up to the hospital wing, so I didn't have to explain the cat- face to Draco, which was brilliant, because the douche was annoying me anyway. Probably because I was pissing him off.

"_Yeah- Draco's got a phone call!"_

"Can you two shut up!"

"Shut the fuck up Weasly! Nobody likes you!"

Wow, Draco and I agree on something.

So we reached Dumbledore's office. I have to say though, that gryphon is a lot less intimidating than the movie. It was only something like four feet tall.

"So how do we get in?"

"Christ sakes Potter, how thick are you? Just give it the password and go."

"I don't know the password, Malfoy!"

"_Really?_ I just thought that with how chummy you and Dumbledore are, you might have visited his office sometimes."

"That's it Malfoy, I am going to kill you-"

"Lemon drop!"

The Elric- sized gryphon slid away revealing the door. The three wizards stared at me with awe.

"How do _you _know the password?"

"You don't have to know Ron, you'll find out soon enough."

As we entered the huge office, the boys were taken aback. Having seen the room hundreds of times in eight unnecessary movies, I strode through to the old man at the mahogany desk. He looked up, surprised, but was pleasant enough to the four of us. Which is more than I can say for myself.

"Hello, young lady, I am-"

"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Yeah, I know. Can you send me home?"

Harry hit me on the head. Lightly, I'll admit, but now I respected him. The guy had balls to hit a girl.

"And your name, young lady?"

I paused for a second. I had to think for a bit to recall the name I'd given Myrtle.

"Lauren. Lauren Lopez."

Dumbledore's eyes flashed with recognition. I was worried, I admit. I thought that there might be, like a Hufflepuff or something with the same name.

"Miss Lopez, a letter arrived via Time Turner for you today. As did one for you, Mr Malfoy."

Draco looked as shocked as me. I guess Time Turner isn't really the way to get a letter.

"Messer's Potter and Weasly, you may now return to your dormitory. Please leave Mr Malfoy and our guest to read their letters."

Harry and Ron reluctantly left. Outside I could hear Harry asking Ron what a Time Turner was.

Dumbledore gave me my letter first. It read;

_Myself-_

_You've read the books. You know it's gonna get fucked up. Give them a head start- There's enough shit on YouTube them a vague clue. I suggest the six- hour summary/ parody. You know the one. _

Six- hour parody? Not even Half- Blood Prince lasted that long… so that left…

"Oh no. Not that. Please not that. Can't it just be HP in 99 seconds and get it done with?"

_No. Now do it bitch, or you ain't getting home in a hurry._

_- Little D and LL_

_PS- You do realise what name you've given them?_

I didn't get the post script. What was so bad about the name Lauren Lopez and Harry Potter?

"Hey, Draco, what does yours say?"

He shrugged. "I don't get it."

It read;

_Malfoy- _

_Don't kill me._

_- Lauren Lopez- Taz- Buggette- Tanya Freemont- Commisioner Gordon- Calendar Man __- Evil King Arthur- Green Arrow- Yourself_

It was only then it hit me. Lauren Lopez. Lauren freaking Lopez!

I was in deep shit.


	4. Chapter 4

Crissys' POV

Draco left soon after, so I was left with the Professor.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Miss Lopez?"

"My letter… it came with instructions on how to get back home… but if I perform this… task… I fear for my life. Sincerely."

Dumbledore looked confused. I knew that I must look like a right shit; plus I was trembling.

"Surely nothing to bad, Lauren?"

"Yes sir. What I have been asked to do… it will bring dangerous insight into the Wizarding future, make a mockery out of several Hogwarts students and staff, and maybe expose vulnerable children to information susceptible to forces of the Dark Lord."

He got up from the desk and paced a little, pondering the options. After at least five minutes of awkward silence, he spoke again.

"Do what you must do, Miss Lopez."

Suddenly, a large cracking sound filled the room accompanied by purple smoke. It cleared quickly, and on the desk was an envelope. Containing a DVD that could kill me.

The Professor turned to me. "You will have all the help you need from the teachers and myself, Lauren. I doubt it will endanger the Wizarding world, but from what you have said, it may just do that."

I nodded solemnly. And when I left the office, I set to work. I had cameras to set up, reactions to film- Dumbledore would fall for any hog shit.


	5. Chapter 5

Draco's POV

The Great Hall had been transformed in a week. There were cables everywhere, and a huge TV in the place of Dumbledore's eagle podium. (A/N- Yes, Draco knows what a TV is. Because he's rich, he's got the best of both worlds.) Strangest of all, the Muggle girl had suspended a five- foot square of concrete from the ceiling, and had placed all sorts of protective charms around it, shielding her from all magic.

"Hey Lauren, what're you doing up there?"

"You'll find out soon enough, ferret boy!"

She was really beginning to piss me off- she'd insisted on calling me ferret boy the whole holiday- but not as much as Potter. We'd spent hours in the Chamber of Secrets together, blasting inappropriate songs about Gryffindors. Fun times.

Filch had been told to collect all our wands when we entered the Hall, as a 'safety measure' and as the last person entered, the doors were locked. Lessons had been cancelled for the first day back, and a mixture of paranoia and excitement ran through the Hall. We all waited for the big announcement.

Dumbledore began his speech. "Welcome back, students. I am sure that you are all wondering about the unusual nature of this day. Our guest Miss Lauren Lopez-" Lauren poked her head over her block and grinned –" has provided us with vital information against He- Who- Must- Not- Be- Named, which she believes you must be informed of. Your wands have been removed as a safety precaution, as Miss Lopez fears for her life, and I must warn you, some followers of the Dark Lord may press you for this information. I must now hand over for her to explain further."

The Hall was silent. No- one was expecting something of this severity.

"Thanks, Dumby! Now, the information will be a six hour video of the seven years of student life of one Harry James Potter. It will contain information that you need to know about Voldemort"- gasps and screams of horror- "but it has a load of jokes in it as well, so feel free to laugh. It's not gonna make sense, because it's not historically accurate. And every time someone talks, it's gonna stop, so can it, bitches! Lopez, out!"

* * *

**(A/N- from now on, I'm just writing from a third- person viewpoint. I'm still occasionally going to find specific opinions on some things, in particular Draco's views on AVPS act 2 part 11, but from now on it's just going to be everyone. Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Crissy, from the past chapters or from any future chapters.)**


	6. Chapter 6

The Hall candles dimmed to nothing, and when the music started playing, several pure- bloods screamed. The screen then showed a tall teenager in school uniform with curly black hair, sitting on a suitcase.

**Harry Potter****: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel glares of my cousin, my uncle and my aunt. **

Harry realised with a start that this was meant to be _him._How did they know how the Dursleys treated him?****

**Can't believe how cruel they are and it stings my lighting scar to know that they'll never ever give me what I want. **

Suddenly every person in the school turned to look at him. Harry suddenly felt very self- conscious, because a summary of his life had just been sung in front of the entire school.****

**I know I don't deserve these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on Privet drive. Can't take all of these Muggles, but despite all of my struggles, I'm still alive. **

**"**Dramatic much, mate?" asked Ron.****

**I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, its September, and I'm skipping this town Hey It's no mystery, threes nothing here for me now I gotta get back to Hogwarts;**

The Slytherins roared with laughter as 'Harry' stood up and carried on singing.

**I gotta get back to school. Gotta get myself to Hogwarts, where everybody knows I'm cool **

"Really, Potter?" yelled Malfoy.****

**Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love, and it's all that I need. HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back-**

The twins leant over. "Three Galleons to do that at the opening ceremony next year."

"No deal."

**I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome! **

Even some Gryffindors laughed at 'totally awesome'. The Slytherins were already on the floor.**  
I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome **

"Oh, fuck, no…"****

**Ron Weasley****: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley? **

"Oh fuck yes!" howled the twins as they fell off their chairs.****

Ron: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let's go!  
Harry: Where're we going?  
Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!  
Harry: Cool!  
Ron: C'mon!  
Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!

"You guys look like pricks!" giggled Lavender Brown as she watched 'Harry' and 'Ron' onscreen.**  
Ron: It's been so long, but we're going back don't go for work, don't go there for class  
Harry: As long as were together—  
Ron: - gonna kick some ass  
Harry & Ron: and it's gonna be totally awesome!**

"TOTALLY AWESOME!"****

**This year we'll take everybody by storm, stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm  
Hermione Granger: but let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLS! **

"Dear God, no…"****

Ron: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?  
Hermione: Because, guys, school's not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we're gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh!  
I may be frumpy, 

"Got that right!"

"Shut up, Malfoy!"

**but I'm super smart check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start**

"Only A's, Granger?"

"Shut the fuck up, Malfoy!"

**what I lack in looks well I make up in heart, and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome this year I plan to study a lot...**

"No change there then…"****

**Ron****: That would be cool if you were actually hot!**

"RON!"

"Not me, Hermione!"****

**Harry****: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!**

"HARRY!"

"Not me!"****

**Ron****: and that's cool...  
Hermione: and that's totally awesome!  
Harry, Ron & Hermione: Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!**

"WTH with the totally awesome? Isn't it a bit lame?"

**We're sick of summer and this waiting around!  
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!  
Don't take no sorcery  
for anyone to see how...  
We gotta get back to Hogwarts.  
We gotta get back to school.  
We gotta get back to Hogwarts,  
where everything is magic-cooooool! **

"Seriously?"****

**Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts  
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts  
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at  
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS  
Harry, Ron & Hermione: - I think we're going back...**


End file.
